How to Cope with Difficult People in Your Stepfamily

We all have them – maybe it’s your stepdaughter. Or your husband’s ex. Or perhaps it’s your mother-in-law. If you’re honest, there’s probably at least one person in your stepfamily who’s difficult to be around and creates tension when you’re together.

How do you cope with them? Here are a few tips:

1.  Don’t give that person power over your emotions.

We don’t have to allow hurtful words to affect us. When someone says mean things to or about us we have a choice: will we let those words penetrate our heart or will we let them roll off, recognizing mean words often come from an unhealed hurt.

I learned of a physical altercation that happened recently between a biological mom and a new stepmom. The bio mom couldn’t accept the stepmom in her young daughter’s life and during the week-end exchange, erupted toward the stepmom. The stepmom did nothing to bring about the response; the bio mom has unhealed hurt related to her ex-husband’s re-marriage and the stepmom’s role in her daughter’s life. If the stepmom recognizes where the hurtful words come from, she can let the event roll off without allowing the bio mom’s response to have power over her emotions.

2)  Seek out healthy people to hang with.

If we’re surrounded by healthy people, we are less likely to let an unreasonable person affect us. And if our ego gets bruised from hurtful words, we can turn to others to help re-build our esteem instead of lashing back. It also helps to minimize the amount of time we spend with those who tend to be unreasonable. If you have an unreasonable stepchild coming for the week, plan time away with friends or your spouse to maintain a healthy image of yourself and your surroundings.

3) Accept the relationship in its current state.

If we spend our time trying to change another person or fretting over a tense relationship, we create frustration for ourselves. A peaceful heart comes with accepting a difficult relationship as it is and seeking to do our part to improve it, while recognizing that unreasonable people sometimes thrive on drama. I like to consider the words of the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

4) Be a positive role model

Commit to take the high road as often as possible. Someone needs to be the mature person in an unreasonable person’s life – how about you? We can influence others through positive attitudes and behavior. If our ex-spouse learns we’re not going to fight back when he/she becomes unreasonable, the game ends. If our stepchild doesn’t get a rise from unreasonable behavior, it’s more likely to end. Positive attitudes and behavior with unreasonable people, however, take intentional effort. Are you up for it? Remember: “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” (Phil 4:19)

5) Maintain healthy boundaries.

Respect yourself enough to create boundaries that work for you. If you’ve had a difficult day and are not in a good place emotionally, don’t walk into a tense conversation with your stepchild over chores that didn’t get done. Ask  your spouse to do it. If you know the unreasonable person in your stepfamily who chooses to pick battles with you is going to attend your stepson’s band concert, make sure you don’t sit by him/her. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself – no one else can do it for you. And you’ll maintain a healthier demeanor for whatever situation occurs when you know you have the right to maintain boundaries that work for you. Check out this post if you need help with boundaries.

Unreasonable people tend to show up more frequently in stepfamily relationships. Stepfamilies often have unhealed hurts that foster tense relationships. But we don’t have to get sucked into the dysfunction and allow others to have power over our emotions or influence our reactions. If we accept that some interactions will be difficult and some persons in our stepfamily will be unreasonable, we have a healthier attitude to cope with the behavior when it occurs. We will also appreciate the relationships with reasonable people in our lives even more!

Can you offer other tips for dealing with unreasonable people in your stepfamily?

Pic by artur84

Could you use some stepmom encouragement? Join us at our next stepmom retreat where you’ll find hope, healing, help, and camaraderie with other stepmoms! Details here: www.SisterhoodofStepmoms.com.

 

Self Control is Vital to Healthy Relationships


We complete our series today on Galatians 5:22,23 – The fruit of the Spirit if love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and SELF-CONTROL.

The last fruit in the passage may be the most important in our stepfamily relationships. Without self-control, our lives become a breeding ground for uncontrolled attitudes and actions.

Proverbs 25:28 tells us, “Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.” In other words, if we don’t discipline our ways, we are like an undefended city, vulnerable to every kind of attack and temptation.

Self-control can cover a wide range of behavior but if we want to control our actions, it must start with our thoughts. If we strive for positive attitudes and pure thoughts toward our stepchildren, we are more likely to maintain self-control.

Self-control allows us control over our actions but doesn’t seek control of others.
This is particularly important during times of conflict or confusion. Allowing our stepchildren to express their frustrations without getting defensive or confrontational makes room for resolution.

Self-control means we choose our battles carefully with our stepchildren. If an issue is not that important, don’t bring it up. If a stepchild’s behavior is annoying, but not disrespectful, let it go. Self-control means we bridle our tongue when our words are critical or harsh.

Ephesians 4:32 says it best, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Self-control gives us the freedom to react with love and kindness instead of impatience and anger. It requires an intentional effort on our part but offers a satisfied feeling of knowing we did the right thing.

Where can you show self-control today?