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Dealing with Anger by Gayla Grace

Five Practical Ways to Deal with Anger in Your Stepfamily

5 ways for dealing with anger by Gayla Grace

“I just want her to affirm my kids. Tell them, ‘Good job,’ every now and then. Act like she cares.”

Those words were shared by a client in a coaching session a few years ago. It didn’t surprise me. I’d suspected that his wife, the stepmother to his two children, had unresolved anger that was affecting her relationships with his kids. I wanted to help her get to the root of it.

It can be a challenge to deal with our anger. But there are questions to ask and steps to take to master the challenge.

  1. What am I angry about?
  2. What do I need from my spouse to help me work through my anger?
  3. What is keeping me from connecting with my stepchildren?
  4. How have I been wounded?
  5. Where does the root of my anger lie?

Admitting our anger is the first step toward resolving it.

Oh, we can bury it. We can tiptoe around it. We can even pretend it doesn’t exist. We can blast others with it. But these things do nothing to RESOLVE the anger. They do nothing to SOLVE the problem. They only serve to prolong and/or inflame the problem.

We need to give ourselves the grace to explore the anger and learn to manage it.

As a stepparent, I understand anger. Maybe you’ve been treated like an outsider. Maybe your stepkids are rude to you daily. Maybe the ex-spouse invades your home emotionally. Perhaps your spouse doesn’t support your stepparenting efforts, or others in your community don’t respect your role.

We walk different paths as stepparents. Some of us get to engage quickly with our stepchildren, forming emotional bonds and life-long ties. And some of us tread uphill daily. For years. And we wonder if things will ever change.

If that’s where you are today, barely treading water, I encourage you to look inward.

Are you harboring anger that needs to come out?

Are you allowing the burden of guilt to keep you smothered?

Anger is a natural emotion.

Embrace it and resolve to make a change.

When the stepparenting journey is rocky, It’s easy to feel like we’re stuck, believing the situation will never be different. Like a truck spinning its tires in the mud, we throw off displeasing behavior that affects everyone in our path. We want to change. But we don’t know how or where to start.

I’ve been there. And it wasn’t pleasant.

I want to help.

Here are five steps we can use to manage our anger:

  1. Identify possible solutions.
  2. Take a timeout.
  3. Stick with “I” statements.
  4. Don’t hold a grudge.
  5. Know when to seek help.*

Helpful stepfamily resources I recommend are:

The Smart Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal

The Smart Stepmom by Ron L Deal and Laura Petherbridge

The Courage to be a Stepmom by Sue Patton Thoele

Another option for you and your family may be stepfamily coaching. I would love to help you find success in your stepfamily relationships and possibly find a fresh perspective. Go to my coaching page for details.

Regardless of where you are, you don’t have to stay there. You are not stuck.

But you will have to be intentional about making changes to really see a difference.

Will you take the risk and seek the help you need to find peace again?

 

Have you experienced anger in your stepfamily?

What suggestions do you offer for coping with your anger as a stepparent?

I would like to read about your thoughts and ideas in the comments.

5 steps to dealing with anger by Gayla Grace

*from the Mayo Clinic-the complete text here.

Co-Parenting: One Thing to Remember

Co-Parenting: One Thing to Remember by Gayla Grace

I watched my son’s friend negotiate an upcoming visitation schedule with his dad at a recent soccer game. I could sense the stress the teen felt as he was thrust in the middle between his parents. I wanted to step in and tell the dad, “Call your ex-wife and work this out. This isn’t your son’s responsibility.”

It might seem easier to ask our kids to handle the communication to avoid the ex. I get it. My husband and I had numerous co-parenting collisions with ex-spouses when our kids were still at home. Some of them could’ve been prevented. Some could not.

But one thing we learned early on (and the one thing to remember!): keep the kids out of the middle.

To co-parent successfully requires intentional effort on our part, including sacrifices and tongue-taming, to make it work. But it’s our responsibility, not our children’s, to negotiate the details.

The biggest challenge may be learning how to be amicable in a relationship with someone you couldn’t get along with when married to them.  And while it is hard, I believe it is the link to success when parenting children after divorce.

Co-parenting often creates tension and stress.

We have to remember that when disagreements arise, it’s important to keep them out of range of children’s ears. Adult issues need to be confined to adults.

It’s OK to ask the children how they feel about a particular issue (visitation, event, etc.) but the negotiating and scheduling should be done by the adults.

Stepchildren are unnaturally pulled between two homes with parents they love in both homes. Asking them to make a choice or take sides with one home over another creates hurt.

This is not a game of Tug of War with the children as the rope!

Co-Parenting: One Thing to Remember by Gayla Grace

The Solution

Strained co-parenting gives us an opportunity to practice the gifts of the Spirit as defined in Galatians 5:22-23: “…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

I know it’s not easy but as our children watch us (and they are watching!) model kindness and goodness or patience and self-control in the midst of rude or unkind behavior, they learn the value of asserting these qualities in their own lives.

And we gain the satisfaction of knowing we did the right thing, even when it wasn’t easy.

Have you been caught in the middle? What steps did you take (or wish you’d taken) to remedy the situation?

The Path to Super StepMom Status by Gayla Grace

The Path to Super StepMom Status

The Path to Super StepMom Status by Gayla GraceIn my 20 plus years of being a stepmom, I have had more conversations than I can count with other stepmoms who are frustrated and desperately trying to achieve SUPER STEPMOM STATUS. It’s as if it’s an award to be given out at the end of the year. But they aren’t achieving the status and instead end up feeling like a failure. Year after year they vow it will be different but the next year rolls around and things are the same. No award. No loving stepchild who thinks they are great.

No. It’s just the same ole thing.  And often we feel we’ve failed.

You are not alone.

You are not the first nor will you be the last stepmom to:

  • think you have failed.
  • believe with all your heart that you CAN be the best stepmom ever!
  • believe your stepchild will LOVE you!
  • and they will want to be your friend!

The reality is that they don’t think you’re the best. They may not ever love you nor want to be your friend.

I speak from experience. During my stepson’s adolescent years, he found all kinds of reasons to dislike me. Some of them might have been legitimate, but most were unfounded. Regardless of how hard I tried to be a good stepmom to him, he rejected my efforts.

I tried. He rejected. I tried again. He rejected again.

The cycle went on.

I wish I could tell you there was a “magic formula” to ensure stepmom success. But I can’t tell you that. What I can tell you is there’s no such thing as “SUPER STEPMOM!”

So…

Sometimes we’re dealing with a difficult teenager. Or a younger child that whines and cries.

Are we going to want to quit and throw in the towel? Most definitely! But we have to remember we’re the adult in the equation. We need to keep our cool as best we can. We can pray and ask for strength from the One who is greater than we are. And then remember …  this is normal stepfamily dynamics.

I’ve been married to my stepson’s dad for 20+ years. Finally, after many difficult years, my stepson and I now have a good relationship.

Is it because I became a different person toward him?

No. It’s because he has matured into a young man who, at 27  years old, recognizes and appreciates the role I’ve played in his life.

 Did I want to quit being his stepmom during those adolescent years?

Absolutely!

Did I deserve the treatment I received?

No!

Am I thankful I didn’t walk away?

Yes!

Quitting is NOT the answer!

Trying to achieve SUPER STEPMOM status does not guarantee a good relationship with your stepchild.

It almost always results in unmet expectations. Consistent love over time, through the ups and downs of life, could be the difference.

Remember this: regardless of your stepchild’s behavior, the only way you fail in this role, is if you quit.

Are you trying to be SUPER STEPMOM?  How is that working out for you?

3 things you can do to reduce the tension between homes

Three Ways to Help Reduce Tension Between Homes

Three things to do to lessen the tension between homes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s early August and school will be starting soon (it has actually already started for our son). The kids will have practice or lessons after school, and they may be juggling their stuff between two households.

I know there are worse things in life than heading out the door and having Joey or Susie say, “I left my trumpet at Mom’s (or Dad’s) house.”

But the morning that happens…well, it doesn’t seem like things could be much worse.

Here’s the deal…

I’ve been there.

I’ve done this.

I’ve LIVED this.

The tension in these situations is REAL.

But there IS hope. The back and forth between households was a problem my husband and I wanted to tackle. We wanted the transition between homes to be as smooth and stress-free as possible.

We came up with three important strategies that worked for us.

Maybe they will help you navigate your “between-home waters” this school year.

  1. Limit trivial conversations.  We made the kids take responsibility for books, uniforms, band instruments, whatever to avoid multiple trips between houses. We reduced our interaction over trivial matters with the exes to devote our energies to peaceful conversations on things that mattered most.
  2. Limit unnecessary interactions. As stepparents, we didn’t attend every event for every child. If the other biological parent was going to be there, there was no reason to always put ourselves through an uncomfortable situation with an ex-spouse just a few rows over. Attend the important stuff, show your support, but choose wisely when the situation allows for a choice.
  3. Limit family activities and expectations. Do everyone a favor on transition day and limit your activities. There is enough emotional turmoil in the child’s life without adding extra things to do.

What do you do to lessen the “between household” tension?

This is a revision of an article I originally wrote for Focus on the Family. You can read the original article here.

 

 

 

Sisterhood of Stepmoms Retreat

Why Attend a Sisterhood of Stepmom Retreat?

Sisterhood of Stepmoms (SOS) is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping any woman dating, engaged or married to a man with kids find help, hope, and healing. We walk alongside women to offer answers to the challenges that accompany the journey.

Our SOS team is making plans for our 4th annual retreat at the Dallas Cooper Hotel and Spa September 22-23, 2017. We have some wonderful speakers joining us and will have workshops on topics that include:

      • The Ex-Wife: How to Cope with a Difficult Relationship
      • Parental Alienation Syndrome
      • What About the Kids:  The Effects of Loss
      • What Healthy Boundary Setting Looks Like
      • When You Want a Baby of Your Own
      • The Full-Time Stepmom
      • First Aid Kit for Your Marriage
      • Adult Stepchildren
      • Your Emotions Don’t Define You
      • And More!

 

Here are a few comments from women who have attended our retreats in the past:

“It meant the world—meeting the other stepmoms was life-saving!”

“I have felt so alone but this gave me tools to use to better the environment in my home.”

“It is priceless to know women who understand your heart and your hurt.”

“The stepmom retreat experience means hope to me.”

I hope you’ll consider joining us! You’ll find all the details at Sisterhood of Stepmoms. 

I’d love to meet you there!

When Disharmony is the Norm by Gayla Grace

When Disharmony is the Norm

 

When Disharmony is the Norm by Gayla Grace

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wanted a peaceful home. Harmony and order. Randy and I were newly married, and I’d hoped our kids would get along and be kind to each other.

I soon realized that was more like a dream. And achieving it, a tall order.

A VERY tall order.

We were parenting four kids from two different homes. Two different backgrounds. Two sets of rules. Two sets of expectations.

And we were all learning to live together. Conflict, accompanied by heightened emotions, erupted all too often. Most of the time, there was little warning.

Peace and harmony were not the norm. Getting along and treating each other with kindness…uh, not so much.

Then I attended a stepfamily conference. I heard stepfamily expert Ron Deal speak.

“In a stepfamily, you must learn to endure disharmony.” he said.

His words gave me hope. They relieved my guilt about the lack of peace in my home.When Disharmony is the Norm by Gayla Grace

When we join two families and begin to untangle the emotions, the circumstances, and the history that brought everyone together, it’s not unusual to have minor (or major) emotional eruptions.

In the beginning, I thought we were failing in our relationships when we couldn’t get along. Ron’s words made me realize that instead of failing we were normal!

That didn’t mean we shouldn’t pursue peaceful relationships. But it helped to remember we were only responsible for our efforts, not the outcome.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” Romans 12:18

It’s not usually just ONE thing that contributes to the emotional disruptions. It’s MANY things.  The behavior in our stepchildren’s other home, teenage emotions, stepsibling rivalry, a difficult ex-spouse, loss from death or divorce—they all have a tremendous impact on the climate in our home but are out of our control.

Even if we do everything right as stepparents, there will likely be tension and days of little peace in the early years of a stepfamily.

Is your stepfamily in the midst of disharmony? Hang in there! This season will pass.

“…but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26b

Look for ways to get the support you need to walk this rocky road. Find other stepmoms or friends who can encourage you while your stepfamily works out its kinks. Look for ways to take care of yourself that allow you to recharge and renew your spirit.

Attend our upcoming Sisterhood of Stepmoms retreat and find hope and encouragement!

But don’t give up! Stepfamily life gets easier with time.

Is your stepfamily in the midst of disharmony? Will you share how you cope with it?